This has been a part of our lives for a great deal of our marriage, adoption. I just watched 16 and Pregnant with Ashley who placed with her aunt and uncle. The struggles she went through were difficult to watch. See the amount of pain associated with her decision was indescribable. I know the pain we went through with every month wishing we were able to have our own children, then being let down time after time.
Years went by, watching more children being brought into the extended families and younger cousins having kids before Matt and I did was, augh, so draining. No one realizes the amount of grief associated with infertility unless you go through it, just like an adoption. I know this is how our lives were meant to be and the trials dealing up to that point.
There are times that I speak with my sister-in-law who is currently pregnant about all of the things I went through with what the doctors felt like were miscarriages. If that was the case, we were pregnant over 6 times in the 8 years before we got our son. I didn't want to believe we conceived and lost a baby so I blew off the really heavy periods and the labor pains I went through the weekend before I started my first year teaching. Then the D&C the day before I started 2 days later. It was the only way I could deal with it, grief... what a funny sounding name for such a giant of a word. Denial... 1st stage...I am still dealing with it and now know I will never conceive again. I should know it, but its been 5 1/2 years as still dealing with it. Will it ever go away? What if... I hadn't had the hysterectomy... could we have? The answer came very clear... NO! Our children needed to come a different way. Just like Moses whose mother gave him the best life she knew he needed.
Grief. still stuck in the process. Don't know it will ever go away fully. What is it like to carry a child for nine months? Labor pains? I know that one... just not on the full scale.
I have two wonderful and amazing children. Who come from incredible mothers and family. I don't understand how they did it. I am so grateful to them and everything they did for me starting the healing process knowing their grief was just beginning.
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